


This Game of Pretend

by TheInsanelyCoolJaredKleinman



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: #sorry not sorry, Abuse, Bullying, Depression, Major character death - Freeform, One Shot, Regret, Requiem, Song fic, Suicide, character angst, edgy memes is my otp man, even though its not mentioned, jared is gay, okay but like, oops im sorry??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 22:26:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11884110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInsanelyCoolJaredKleinman/pseuds/TheInsanelyCoolJaredKleinman
Summary: After Jared insults Connor on the first day of school, he feels responsible for his death unknowning of the interaction between Connor and Evan later that day. Conflicted and unwilling to face the consequences, Jared does the first thing on his mind.





	This Game of Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse any errors, and please let me know any that I could fix! Thank you!!

_Soft brown curls barely visible past his half-closed eyes, untouchable through the mist of his dream. A war raged on in his head, adrenaline dulling the pain of the bruises littered across his body. The stone floor was cold underneath his fingertips, but Jared knew he had to get up. Voices surrounded him, but there was only one he was listening to._

_“Get out of my way, get out of everyone's way! You’re_ nothing _.” Connor Murphy had yelled at him, pushing his small frame against a locker. Jared had only glared, which apparently told Connor he deserved to be thrown to the ground and kicked._

_The hall had been empty, now the only empty he knew was in his chest. The void filled quickly with fire, water springing in his eyes. Jared grabbed his backpack, pushing past the crowd. Unaware it was Evan who tried to grab his shirt with shaking hands, he screamed for the person to leave him alone as he sprinted down the hall._

_“Hey!” A teacher stepped in front of him, Jared colliding with his arm mid-sprint. “What’s this about?” Jared couldn't form words, trying to see through blurred vision._

 

Jared leaned against the locker his back hit after Connor Murphy’s hands gripped his shoulders and threw him there 3 years ago. This time, he was prepared. He had finally worked up the courage to give Connor a taste of what he put him through. Blonde hair and nervous blue eyes caught his attention, Jared made his was over to Evan.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break your arm by jerking off?” He asked him, taking notice of the cast on his arm.

“T-that’s not how I broke it, Jared. Y-you know that!” Evan tried to hush him, eyes shifting towards the sea of people around them. As if on cue, pale skin against all black came into Jared’s line of sight. Before Evan could speak again, he made his way towards Connor Murphy, only to freeze up. What was he about to say? He tried desperately to remember any of the lines he had thought of in order to make this moment. He decided to take in what he saw before him.

“Hey, Connor. Lovin’ the new haircut, very ‘School Shooter Chic’.” Jared said on impulse. Icy eyes met his, leaving a beat of silence. “Um, I was joking. It was a joke.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m laughing. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor replied. _Shit_. Jared backed up slightly, holding his hands up in defense.

"You’re such a freak..” he turned on his heel and made a run for it. Goddamnit, what did I do? Jared thought to himself as he raced to homeroom, unknowing that two days later he’d hear of Connor again, just not in the way he’d except.

 

Jared walked at a fast pace, eyes on his phone and headphones playing music in his ears.

“Jared!” Evan frantically ran to his side in tears, grabbing his shoulders.

“Dude, what the hell?” He scanned Evan’s expression, looking for a hint as to what went wrong.

“I-I’m sorry,” Evan quickly wiped his hands on his shirt. “C-Connor’s dead. They- they, uh, t-think I knew, um, him. also-”

“He.. what?” Jared interjected. His eyes became wide, everything around him suddenly became out of reach. He needed something to grip onto, his mind only thinking of one thing when his shoulder fell against the wall. It was me.

“... Jared? A-Are you okay?” Evan's concerned eyes made contact with his.

“I.. video chat me later.” Jared pushed past Evan and burst into the hall of crowded people. Time was repeating itself, nothing felt real as he tried to cling to his thoughts. All he knew as he made his way to the parking lot was that his words did it. His insult drove Connor to kill himself.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod..” Jared slipped into his car, sobs escaping him. Tears slid down the leather seats, his head filled with haze and grief. “I didn't mean to.. I didn't know.. ohmygod!”

His hands fumbled for his keys, unknowing of where his was going but knowing not to stop. Then it dawned on him, why should he be sad? Connor caused him pain, caused him to be paranoid in these halls, isn't this payback? Didn't he deserve this? Didn't Jared give him a taste of what Connor put him through?

 _Why should I play this game of pretend_?

Jared drove onto the only exit he knew to always be empty, his mind wandering.

 _Remembering through a second-hand sorrow_?

He didn't know Connor to be friends with anyone, how could Jared bring himself to hurt him like this?

 _Such a great son and wonderful friend_.

Jared knew that he was responsible, unable to stop the tears that streamed down his cheeks once more.

 _Oh, don't the tears just pour_?

He just wanted to be home, but he knew he was far enough from his room to worry about others finding him.

 _I could curl up and hide in my room_.

The sadness only grew, nothing seemed to stop the guilt he felt.

 _There in my bed, still sobbing tomorrow_.

The clouds reflected his emotions, grey and rumbling. Melancholy settling in the atmosphere around him.

  _I could give in to all of the gloom, but tell me, tell me, what for_?

His car stopped and his shoes met grass as he walked up a hill riddled with dead trees.

 _Why should I play the grieving boy and lie, saying that I miss you and that my world had gone dark without your light_?

His hands grabbed for each branch, taller than the next, finally settling on the highest one in back of the orchard.

 _I will sing no requiem_..

It was his fault. He couldn't bear it. Nothing hurt more than this, nothing longed more to see Connor’s face than his heart. If only he just apologized, if only he could just..

let go.

 _Tonight_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, this is my first one shot for this fandom. If you liked this, please check out my other works!!
> 
> <3, Jared.


End file.
